Oro is a good boy
by Zetai
Summary: Orochimaru has some things to say!


*cough* Hey, psst, you, FF people. Um… Hi there! Er… ehehe. I'm… er… Oro, you know, Orochimaru. Honestly, I'm kinda embarrassed *blush*, but I just want to tell you some things. At least give me a chance! I can imagine the accusing and disgusted look on your faces right now, all right, all right, I'm the bad guy they say, I know. No, wait! Don't go away! Just listen to me, I mean keep reading, please! I… uh… there will be candy for everyone! Uh, that was lame. Though… I guess this caught your attention. Oh well. Now to say what I wanted to say.

You see, it seems there's some huge misunderstanding here. I watched the show, "Naruto" I mean, and I was appalled! It presents my character in the worst and the most wrong way! Everything was totally twisted! No wonder that people totally misinterpreted the whole thing. Yeah, yeah, I know that right now you're shaking your heads in disbelief. But I wasn't given a chance to defend myself from these slanders! *sob*

At first I didn't even realize how far things went, but more and more disturbing events piled up, and I started to figure out what was going on.

First it was mother. No, my parents are not dead, this misleading information aims to keep the journalists and the paparazzi away from them. Anyway, you know that mothers are always too concerned. So, one night at 4.00AM the phone rings, I yawn and answer it, and what I hear is mother's heart-breaking whine. "Oro, my dearest son" she says, "Is this what I taught you? How dare you disgrace our decent and modest family in such a disgusting and shameful way? Don't you remember what the bible says? It certainly does NOT say to get involved with underage boys and shady affairs!" And then she starts crying. I'm shocked, I haven't seen her so upset since that day when I was little and she caught me touching my… Uh, no need to go into unnecessary details. "But… m-mommy... " I stutter, but she whines louder and goes on "And what would my neighbors think? So embarrassing! And… oh my God! What would pastor Jimmy say if these terrible news reach his ears? What a shame! He would be so upset to know that my little Oro is following the wrong way…" And she cries, and cries, until I just toss the phone out the window.

And then it was the stares of people on the street. So despising, so cold. One day I'm standing on a queue, cause I want to buy some ice-cream, and there is that little girl with her mother. The girl looks at me with these big shiny eyes, and I smile to her nicely, cause I truly admire how pure and innocent children are… Uh, not in the wrong way, you misunderstanding people! So I smile to her, and her eyes start watering and she yells "A monster!" And her mother gives me a ferocious glare and starts shouting "You! It's you! Keep your filthy hands away from my daughter!" And then she starts hitting my head with her bag. Yeah, so sad.

And when I watched all of the show I finally figured it out. How could they reveal only some aspects of the situation, and do it in such a misleading way? They created such an ugly image of me, they totally ruined my reputation! And on top of that, the fangirls added the last nail in my coffin. Yeah, fanart. Fanart… this is devil's creation, I'm sure! Pictures… Fanfiction… It burned my eyes. I don't have my own computer now, cause I threw it out the window in a fit of disgust and horror when seeing some dreadful pics you call fanart. I should have never looked at these terrifying things! Thank god, good old Kabuto is a doctor and helped me when I fainted. Though, I might need another kind of doctor… *cough* Uh… a mental doctor. The images! The images! Stuck in my mind, awwww!

I can't believe you think these things about me! In fact, I'm a quiet, peaceful man, devoted to science, working day and night for the benefit of mankind, doing my best to contribute to the progress of humanity, passionately following my high ideals and goals… All right, all right, I know what you're going to say now, but hold your spiteful words until you hear the whole story. Now let me give some clarity to the speculations about the forbidden experiments. As I already said, I devote much of my time to elaborate scientific research. And I never did anything wrong! Everything they accused me of was a lie! I strive for making important discoveries, like creating a new improved version of viagra (this was a mission, assigned to me by the third hokage), making some new medicines and inventing new useful jutsu. Why no one said anything about that in the show? Instead, they showed some weird creatures I have nothing to do with. Come on! What the hell do you think I am? A fucking Frankenstein? Ooops, sorry, usually I don't use such words, but I got a bit too emotional.

Anyway, no one ever appreciated my work. When I was trying to discover some cure for the third hokage's dementia, and to invent some anti-aging cosmetic products for Tsunade, the two of them just yelled at me "Are you calling me stupid?", and "Are you implying I have wrinkles?". No need to tell you that this hurt. A lot. They were mad at me. But my greatest troubles started when the third hokage asked me to invent some penis enlarging jutsu. Cause he was… er… kind of small. And on top of that the rumors said that Danzo was really huge, and this fact annoyed the third hokage to no end. It was so disturbing when he came to my laboratory, took his pants off and yelled "Find a way to make this huge! I'll pwn Danzo!" And I tried, but it didn't work. It was epic fail. I made a mistake in my calculations, and when the jutsu was performed, it made the… hm, the "thing" even smaller! The third hokage was insane with anger, and for revenge he accused me in some disturbing things, forbidden experiments and shit like that, the whole thing was a set-up. Someone from the ANBU even threw some pot in my laboratory, can you imagine this? So they accused me of being involved with drugs too. And the tapes with kiddie porn they found in my home… They were Jiraiya's! He left them there on purpose! But no one believed me, and I was forced to leave the village.

And when I think about the way some people did even worse things later, but they got away with it… I'm mad. No one blamed Kakashi for making photos of naked Sakura taking a shower after training, yeah, you don't even know about this. Some people totally misunderstand the teacher-student relationship. And what about Iruka? Do you know what happened when the third hokage found his photos of naked Choji rubbing ice-cream on his butt? He quietly took them for himself and no one saw them any more. I bet you didn't know that the old pervert had a fetish for fat little boys and food. Yeah, I know about a lot of things that happen in this village but are never shown to you.

So you see that everyone else can do all kinds of gross things and get away with it. But I was the one accused with no reason.

Eh. And I was stupid enough to go to Akatsuki. Nah, now don't start with your rant, of course I didn't know they were the bad guys! Yeah, believe it or not, I can be so naive. Mother always told me to look for the good things in people, and to support good causes.

So, one day I read somewhere in the internet about the "Akatsuki charity organization". Don't laugh! I'm sure some of the people who are reading this are laughing right now. It's not funny! In fact, it's very sad. How could I know they were cheating? It's such a shame! To deceive caring people with good intentions like me. Unforgivable!

So, what I read in the internet said that Akatsuki was an organization that collected money for supporting various noble causes. They even had many interesting photos and vids on their site. Like this blue guy with the "Save the sharks" T-shirt. Or that good-looking, black-haired young man with sun-glasses, summoning people to help the blind. "Give the light of care and affection to those who live in darkness." Ah, so touching. Or that odd green guy who explained what can we do to decrease the harm we're causing to the rain forests. And finally that vid where all of them politely pleaded "Help us to help the world!" I was impressed.

I not only gave them a lot of money, but decided to join them. Besides, they had these really awesome costumes. You don't know about this, but when I was little, my dream was to become a fashion designer, and I was drawing wonderful dresses, but father yelled at me "You're not gay, damn it! You'll be a ninja and that's it!", and I was forced to give up. Yeah, people's prejudices ruined my dream. The same thing happened to the ballet lessons. But that's another story.

Now you have no idea what nightmare I had to bear while I was living with Akatsuki, and how far the corruption of these people's dark souls went. Pastor Jimmy would have a heart-attack if he could see them, I bet.

So, these Akatsuki people are… oh god, I'm too embarrassed, just give me a minute…..They're gay! Men touching other men. In a very wrong way! I'm still traumatized. They were screwing like mad all over the house, all of them, screwing like horny rabbits all the time, like dirty animals! Most of the time I stayed locked in my room, because whenever I went out I was bumping in some guys humping each other.

Now don't start squealing about Itachi Uchiha, you perverted fangirls! I know some people were spreading the rumor that I was interested in his body, but the way they presented this information was completely wrong! I was interested in his body from a medical point of view, I was very concerned about the problem with his eyes. Though I think he had some problem with the brain too, but that's just my opinion. When I asked him why he killed his clan, he said "I did it for the lulz." What a weird guy…

Why I was so worried about the bad condition of Itachi's eyes, you might ask. Well, at some moment his sight got so bad that he couldn't read properly any more. You should have seen the poor guy sitting at the comp, staring desperately at the screen with such longing, and unable to read a thing. And why was that my problem? Well, because of the phrase "Please, dearest Oro, read this thing for me, please?", followed by Uchiha puppy eyes. (Yeah, he can do that, now stop squealing, stupid fangirls, I know that you squeal when you think of Uchiha puppy eyes.) And how could I refuse to help him? I'm always trying to be a nice person. And do you know what this guy reads the most? ItaSasu fanfiction! This made me wish I was blind too. You have no idea how embarrassed I was to read such things aloud. And how disturbing the look on his face was, while he was listening to me. And the whole thing always ended up with him trying to persuade me to cosplay as Sasuke. Scary!

I also made the mistake to think that the blue-haired woman was a man. Ehm. The first time I saw her, she and the leader were in that weird position… and she was… er… well, later someone told me she was wearing a fake cock… uh… you know what I mean. Oh god, I'm so embarrassed when I have to talk about such things, but that's the truth.

What else should I tell you, I was very disappointed. And after I left the organization I heard many other disturbing things about these people. And they got some new members, a bunch of freaking idiots, that's what all of them were. The money they were collecting were not for charity at all. The demented leader believed that they were gonna use them for some ridiculous plan for taking over the world. But the truth is that the others were wasting as much as they could for their own fun. Do you really think that Hidan and Kakuzu died as it was in the show? Bullshit. They didn't want to deal with that crappiness any more, so Hidan stole all of Kakuzu's money and ran away to Las Vegas, and Kakuzu followed him. And do you wanna know about Zetsu and his twisted cannibalistic necrophilia? All right. You remember this bounty man who lived in the toilet, right? And you probably remember that Kakuzu sold corpses to him. And do you know what usually happened to most of this man's corpses? Zetsu was regularly going there and buying them from him. With Akatsuki money. To eat them. Ewww. Eating corpses in a random toilet. Some people have weird hobbies.

At least Sasori was trying to earn some money, he was… er… he was selling rubber sex dolls… to some perverts. Yeah, he's making all kinds of puppets. Ehm, Jiraiya was his regular customer…

And about this guy Deidara…I heard some things… I must tell you what's the real meaning of "Art is a bang". Yeah, Deidara likes banging, indeed. He likes Itachi banging him. Hard. In a very artistic manner… They use such weird positions… Eh, the art of love… The first time I accidentally saw somewhere in the internet some ItaDei fanart, I thought that of all the Akatsuki at least Itachi was straight, but that was until I found out Deidara was actually a guy. Don't ask me how I found out, the pic I saw was very disturbing.

And now about this ridiculous story that during the chunin exams I appeared in the forest of death dressed like a woman. No, wearing feminine clothes does NOT turn me on! This was a disguise. Everything about this event was shamelessly exaggerated. And many things were not showed at all. You should see what happens when you leave a bunch of kids in the forest all alone without any adults to supervise them. They get out of control! I caught the pink-haired slut trying to rape that little Uchiha faggot in the bushes. Uh… sorry for the language again. And I tried to tell them that this was so wrong, but… Pinkie seemed to be drunk or high or both, I don't know. Hehe, Pinky. Anyway, if she was Pinky, the blond guy definitely wasn't The Brain. You can't imagine such stupidity. And that's supposed to be the main character. Huh! We had the most retarded conversation in the world. I looked at him and I told him I couldn't believe that such stupidity could even exist. And he said "Believe it!" And I said "I can't believe it!" And he said "Believe it!" And I said "I told you I can't believe it!" And again he said "Believe it!", and it almost made me want to kill myself.

Now I know what you would say. The battle. I didn't attack these kids. They attacked me! I told you I was disguised, and when they saw my headband of a shinobi from the grass village… Eh, grass. The three of them yelled "Pot!" and attacked me to see if I had any. I had to defend myself!

And I also have nothing to do with the tattoo on Sasuke Uchiha's neck. Piercings, tattoos, alcohol… Teenagers these days are crazy. And some people speculated that I bit him and made some marks on his neck. Oh, come on, don't try to turn everything into a damn vampire story! Great. Now everyone thinks I'm some combination of Frankenstein and Dracula.

Eh. Now this may surprise you, but I also have nothing to do with the attack of Konoha, or the death of the fourth kazekage. Of course, they blamed it on me, because the truth was too embarrassing to be revealed. Actually they found the kazekage in some brothel in Konoha. Dead. Overdose of viagra. If he had used my improved version… The poor guy had a weak heart.

And about the battle with the third hokage… This wasn't me! It was Michael Jackson! I have no idea what was his problem with the third hokage, and I don't know how the hell he was able to perform all those complicated jutsu, this is still a mystery to me. Anyway, everyone thought it was me. You know all these parodies where people imply the existence of some ridiculous resemblance between me and Mike. I have no idea why. Hm, maybe they've seen me in that club when I was drunk and I was dancing on that table, I was pretty good at the moonwalk even though I was too drunk… Ooops, I shouldn't have said that. Forget it. Er… and don't tell mother… or pastor Jimmy.

And now I'll discuss the topic that caused the biggest speculations. That's what you're waiting for, right? Yeah, Sasuke Uchiha and what happened while he was living with me.

Now, you must have noticed that I'm a kind man, and I'm always ready to help little children who are in trouble. And for god's sake, don't pay attention to that ridiculous made-up story that Anko Mitarashi sold to the journalists! Some people are ready to do everything to attract the attention of the media.

As I already said, I willingly help children. That's because I believe in the power of youth. *thumb up* Yeah, I learned this from Gai. You're probably surprised? He is my favourite character, and I admire his energy and enthusiasm. I even had a green costume just like his, he gave it to me. I still have some photos somewhere, I might show them to you some day. I looked very youthful in that outfit. Did I mention my interest in fashion? I think I did.

Anyway, I got carried away a bit, what was I talking about? Ah yes. Sasuke Uchiha. The whole story how I sent some people to bring him to me was totally fake. And Konoha's concern about him was fake too. In fact, he came to me looking for help. He just had no where else to go. You want the truth? They kicked him out of Konoha. I bet you were wondering why oh so suddenly he had to disappear from the show for such a long time. Well… Rehab. But it didn't work. Did you know about that kid's problems with alcohol? No? Sure, they don't show such things in the episodes. They decided to save him from all the embarrassment. Apparently some people are privileged. Yeah, that's how things are when you're screwing the main character. So they covered the whole story.

Well, he was practically an alcoholic. Did you know why he was late for the final round of the chunin exams? Because of his hangover. While the other kids were fighting in the arena, he was outside, throwing up in some bushes.

Yeah, they even tried to make him attend the group of anonymous alcoholics together with Lee, but it didn't work. And when they caught him selling pot to the sand kids, it was the end. They kicked him out. Why do you think he fought with Gaara so fiercely, huh? Gaara owed him money, that's why.

Anyway, when Sasuke came to my house I thought I could help the poor kid, teach him some new jutsu and such things. Gai always told me that hard training is what makes the youthfulness blossom. So I told the kid "You'll train with me, and I'll make you stronger." And that's all. It's not true that I wanted his body. He wanted mine! Wait, wait, before you start laughing in disbelief. Just hear the whole story first.

Imagine a nice sunny day, a beautiful clearing in the forest, I'm ready for the first day of our training, and I feel so enthusiastic, I can even feel the spirit of youthfulness in the air. So I'm just about to explain the new jutsu, when this Uchiha brat glares at me with his arrogant look and says "Screw the training, when are we gonna fuck?" And I'm shocked. Utterly shocked and extremely disturbed. I should have guessed where things were going by the dirty looks he was giving me all the time ever since he arrived, but I already told you that sometimes I'm too naive.

Anyway, he says this inappropriate thing, and at first I just can't believe, so I say "Sorry, what?" He just stares at me again, and says with that dirty voice of his "Come on, dude, are you a fuckin' pedophile or what? Ain't we gonna screw? Watcha waitin' for, dammit?" And he starts taking his pants off! I wonder is he drunk or what, and I try to explain to him that this is so wrong, but does he listen? So I just leave him to train alone, and when I come back later to see what he's doing, he's jacking off!

Yeah, that kid was so troublesome. I'm knocking on his door in the morning to remind him that it's time for training, and what do you think he's doing in there? Jacking off. I'm trying to teach him how to use a katana, and he's complaining "I can't, it's too heavy, my hand is tired." And guess because of what his hand is tired!

Even poor Kabuto had troubles with him. One night Kabuto rushes in my room, tears sparkling in his eyes. And he whines in despair "Help! Sasuke is trying to molest me!". The poor boy was traumatized for life. He's still having therapy.

Now when I mention him, I should tell you that Kabuto is such a nice kid. And he has very nice relatives. Like Harry Potter. Yeah, good old Harry. You didn't know they were related? Come on, just look at them. Kabuto even went to Hogwarts for a while. And he learned how to make many useful jutsu with a magic wand. I would make him show some of it to you, but he doesn't have his wand any more. Sasuke stole it. Guess where he is shoving it now… So embarrassing. I will never forget the day when I walked in on him doing this… You know, there's a jutsu that makes the wand vibrate… It was so disturbing! Then one night he even tried to rape poor Kabuto with it. And that was the end, we had to get rid of him. It's not true that he defeated me. I just threw him out the window. So now Kabuto and I are going to sue Sasuke for sexual harassment.

That kid is insane. And you should also know that all the rumors of his incestuous relationship with his brother are true! Their wickedness and all their perversions and weird fetishes. Yeah, these Uchihas have a lot of skeletons in their closet. Literally. The skeletons of the whole clan! And people say I was creepy.

Now I'm still having nightmares because of Sasuke Uchiha. The only nightmare that's even worse is the one where mother converts to Jashinism and sacrifices poor pastor Jimmy…

Uh? Sorry, what? Wait a minute, it seems there's some problem here, some girl is yelling at me to get away from her computer. Well, it is her computer, indeed, I told you that now I don't have my own. Damn!

Me: Oro! What the hell are you doing here? And what are you typing, what's this?

Oro: *trying to hide the screen* N-Nothing.

Me: Hey! This is my FF account, how dare you! Let me see! ….*reading*…WTF? OMG! Oh shit! This is the most pathetic, retarded, and ridiculous OOC-ness I've ever seen! Oro, everyone knows that you're the bad guy, what is this bullshit here? Fangirls want an evil, dirty, merciless Oro, not an idiot like this. And what is this anti-yaoi propaganda? What would people think if they see anything like this posted on my account? Oro, you'll ruin my reputation. You're embarrassing me! Do you have any idea how many followers of yaoism there are on this site? What you're typing here is offensive material, this is blasphemy! Now what are you doing? Stop! Don't you dare! You're so not going to post this!

Oro: Get out of my way! I'll throw you out the window!

Me: *is thrown out the window*

Oro: Muahahaha!


End file.
